This past weekend ABC Family, AKA Freeform because millennials, put on it’s classic Harry Potter Marathon Weekend. Usually, these are reserved for holiday weekends but a new Harry Potter spin-off, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, dropped this past weekend so it had to be done. But, let’s be honest, they were going to air it no matter what. See, they can’t air it over Thanksgiving weekend because, well, there’s zero Americans or any reference to America in the movies (shouts to Fantastic Beasts for getting America into the picture, now it can air over Thanksgiving). So, they throw it the weekend before, just enough to trick you into thinking there was a reason for it all along.
I’m off on the wrong foot, cause it definitely sounds like I hate HP right now. I don’t. I love it more than Kanye loves Kanye. So let’s get to the point. It’s easy to miss a Harry Potter Weekend due to having a life. Luckily, there are 26 other weekends featuring Harry Potter marathons. Here’s the list with Freeform’s explanation for each.
First Blizzard of the Year Marathon (Whenever the first blizzard is in December, or the second weekend, whatever happens first): There’s a ton of snow in these movies. Remember that crazy snow and wind when Draco tries to get Katie Bell to deliver the dark magic tainted necklace to Dumbledore in Half Blood Prince but instead she touches it and kinda becomes possessed/almost dies?!!!?!?!? Yeah, anyway, somewhere will have snow by the first weekend of December.
Aviation and Wright Brothers Day Marathon (December 16th-18th): Guess who appreciates flying more than anyone else? Wizards and witches, the original aviators. FOH Wright Brothers. (Freeform Executive looked up at the sky at this point and gave an overhead plane the double birds)
Christmas Weekend Marathon (December 23rd-25th): So, we usually put on a whole 25 days of Christmas thing, but nothing is more Christmas than Harry Potter. This year we have 23 days of Christmas, and the Harry Potter Christmas Marathon, where we don’t run commercials but instead replay all the Christmas scenes during commercial breaks.
New Years Marathon (December 30th-January 1st): On New Years Eve we are only showing the scenes of Harry Potter in which drinking or a party takes place. Remember to cozy up on New Years Day, 4 out of 5 doctors recommend Harry Potter as a hangover cure.
Chinese New Year (January 27th-January 29th): Cho Chang? (the Freeform Executive wasn’t really sure on this one but tried to distract me by pulling out one of those Chinese finger traps. He couldn’t get it off but insisted we continue.)
Groundhog Day Marathon (February 2nd-February 5th): This is contingent upon the groundhog seeing his shadow. If he does, we air the marathon for four days. If he doesn’t, we only air it for the regular three. (The Freeform executive leaned in and winked and said “it always see it’s shadow”, while holding up his finger trapped hands for a high five.)
Valentine’s Day Marathon (February 14th; February 17-February 19th): This is one of my favorite ones. On Valentine’s Day, we only air the kissing and hugging scenes as well as the ones with chocolate in them. We’ve been trying to push Warner Bros. and J.K. Rowling to put out an R-Rated Harry Potter and the Bachelor’s Weekend in Vegas but no luck so far.
Employee Appreciation Day Marathon (March 3rd-March 5th): This is more for our employees at Freeform. Anytime we air a Harry Potter Marathon Weekend they get the entire weekend off. Just gotta set it to air before leaving on Thursday. But, um, I guess Harry and his friends liked their teachers at Hogwarts? (Not really.)
Daylight Savings Marathon (March 10th-March 12th): Sometimes I hate this job. (The Freeform Executive downed his glass of butterbeer and mumbled about maintaining corporate synergy.)
St Patrick’s Day Marathon (March 17th-March 19th): This is the easiest one. Americans think Ireland is in the UK (hint: it isn’t) so we can get away with this one, no questions asked.
April Fool’s Marathon (March 31st-April 2nd): We don’t even tell people this is happening. We say we’re going to air some other teen hit and then throw Harry Potter on. It’s really a riot at the offices that week. Think Wolf of Wall Street but more millennialized. (Freeform Executive looks questioning at his word choice, then shrugs and mutters synergy again.)
Take a Chance Day Marathon (April 21st-April 23rd): You know who took the biggest chance? Voldemort. He could’ve sat behind a desk for his whole life post grad, but instead he decided to pursue his dreams. If only that little fuck Harry Po—–(the Freeform Executive’s assistant rushes over and whispers in his ear, takes his 40 of butterbeer and walks away.)
Arbor Day Marathon (April 28th-April 30th): Whomping Willow. Forbidden Forest. Too many trees to count. Also, millennials love caring about the environment. It’s perfect.
Star Wars Day Marathon (May 4th-May 7th): You think we’re going to let Star Wars take over the cultural conscience? No way, Jose. We have been trying to get a crossover between Episode VII and HP to happen, where we insert that Kylo Ren character into all the emo scenes in Order of the Phoenix. Having a tough pull on that one, though.
The We Didn’t Want To Disrespect HP On Mother’s Day Weekend Marathon (May 19th-May 21st): No way we’re airing a marathon on Mother’s Day weekend. So, we just push it back and act like it never happened.
Memorial Day Marathon (May 26th-May 29th): This is one we’re excited about. Now that Fantastic Beasts makes us kind of American, we can play on all American holidays with no backlash.
Best Friend’s Day Marathon (June 8th-June 11th): Harry and Ron and Hermione are the best friends of all time. That friendship is just…so beautiful. It’s truly inspiring and um…give me a second. (Freeform Executive wipes his eyes on his finger trap, apparently crying because of the friendship in Harry Potter.) But yeah, also those nerds think Harry Potter is their best friend too. So, we can’t leave them hanging.
Trying to Eradicate Parent’s Days Marathon (June 23rd-June 25th): We’re hard at work on removing Mother’s and Father’s Days from the national holiday calendar because it’s extremely insensitive to this character, the fans, and this IP. I mean, think of all the Harry Potter fans who saw him grow into a wizarding world hero without having parents, who now want to grow up to be him. They can’t do that if they have to be reminded that they have parents. So selfish.
Independence Day Marathon (July 4th-July 9th): (Freeform Executive gets super pumped and rips his hands out of the finger trap finally, he fist pumps in the air and sits back down.) This one is huge. We’re re-editing the movies to bring out more of the red, white, and blue in each and every scene. We’re also changing out the Gryffindor flag for the USA flag for this marathon. That’s what we on the board like to call Patriotic Synergy.
Harry Potter Birthday Marathon (July 28th-July 31st): Harry Potter’s 37th birthday is on July 31st this next year and we’re blowing it out for him. July 28th is just every scene in which he’s smiling. Just a straight loop for 24 hours. Then we’re airing every time he successfully casts a spell for three hours, and then the marathon begins.
Book Lover’s Day Marathon (August 9th; August 11th-August 13th): Duh.
Senior Citizen’s Day Marathon (August 18th-August 20th): Respect to Dumbledore. This one’s for him. (Freeform Executive rolls up his sleeve to reveal a tattoo of Dumbledore shooting a spell up his entire arm, with the words “Suck this patronus, bitch” at the bottom.)
Back to School Marathon (August 25th-August 27th): These ones just happen organically really. We’d air it now anyway, but the government wants us to get kids excited about school so we really emphasize this one. People at the network were worried about whether President Trump would shut us down, as he most likely dislikes magic, but I convinced them that he clearly got to his position by using Dark Magic so we’re going to be OK. Might have to re-edit the final scene of the last movie to show Voldemort winning though.
Hey, We Haven’t Had One In Awhile Marathon (September 29th-October 1st): Sometimes we have to air other programs, can you say boring? So we usually designate September for all that and just keep promising another marathon for the viewers. They keep watching and waiting, we boost our ratings, and then we fulfill our promise by dropping the marathon at the end of the month. Simple corporate manipulation.
Friday the 13th Marathon (October 13th-October 15th): We have a rule to not go more than two weeks without a marathon. Lucky on this one, major excuse to marathon this year.
Halloween Marathon (October 27th-October 31st): Remember that one Halloween scene with the troll in Sorcerer’s Stone? Yeah, we show that four minute scene once and we’re set for five days of Harry Potter action and about a billion viewers.
There you have it. Don’t miss the next Harry Potter Marathon Weekend. Or do. There’ll be another one two weeks later!