It’s been a long month since we were given the Bachelor contestant info and given a peak into a world where grown women long for being dolphins. Luckily, the season premiere has finally arrived, bringing with it the joys of the dolphin (maybe shark?) craze, seeing girls cry over a guy they met three hours ago, and the never ending game of figuring out what Nick Viall is mumbling. The season premiere was everything the audience needed, prepping us for the villains of the season, laying the groundwork for specific drama, and showing us who the producers brought on purely for entertainment (hi, Josephine).
After making some predictions in my breakdown of the introductory profiles, it’s time to correct course and see who our key players are for the season ahead, pick some favorites, and point out storylines to keep an eye on. I’ll address some random thoughts I had during the premiere, as well as talk about the best moments. Let’s roll.
Leaders After Week 1
A lot of girls came on strong in the first episode, but there are a few that really jumped out ahead. Some due to sheer air time, some due to being hot, and others from the occasional Nick “I like her” comment.
Danielle L, who I noted had a solid intro profile, comes out swinging with a dress that put her funbags front and center. Nick 100% stared them down and then proceeded to say “You look good”, which is the ABC way of saying “I love your tits”. My notes for her literally just say “Nick just staring at them tots”.
Vanessa, someone I was not a fan of originally, is probably our front runner. She seems like a not terrible person, is attractive, seems interested in Nick, and speaks every language known to man*. She pulls out french twice and, pro tip, if you pull out some french you jump 300% in whatever hotness scale the person is using.
*English, French, and Italian. Whatever.
Raven is kind of a personal call for the leaders. They gave her a lot of reaction shot time and that goes a long way to making the viewers like you, because naturally they are acting bewildered at whatever is going on just as you are reacting on your couch. She didn’t connect a lot with Nick, other than his comment about her incredible southern accent, but I was a yuuuuuuge fan of her making fun of dolphin costume girl (we’ll get there). Need more Raven reactions pronto.
Corinne, AKA Miss “I run a multimillion dollar business”, AKA Miss “I have a nanny”, AKA Miss “I have a platinum vagine” is our go getter of the season. Interrupting another girl’s talking session with Nick, right after getting a sit down with him herself, just so she could kiss him is one of the biggest power moves you can pull. I respect her grit and determination to try and get that first impression rose (she didn’t), but she is not making any fans in that house. Corinne is setting sail for most hated in the house right off the bat, and she is #1 on the Villain Watch List for the season.
Danielle M would be my personal front runner if I were Nick right now. She doesn’t seem like she should even be on the show. Her intro vid section of the episode was almost like it was supposed to be the intro for her buying a house on HGTV. Danielle has got the softest voice known to man. Her voice just oozes sweetness. Her minimal screen time after that reflects a personality matching that voice and I’m officially worried she is going to get heartbroken on this show. Don’t you dare do that Nick, don’t you fucking dare.
Rachel, our first impression rose winner, is automatically a leader of the pack. You get that rose, you in. She is the only other person than Corinne to get a kiss and she actually deserved it. Shouts to Rachel. I was skeptical of her originally because she made a very odd comment about setting her fantasy lineups when first meeting Nick that he definitely did not vibe with (because it was fucking weird) but good on her for turning that around. Nice work having a lot of siblings, too.
We already hit on Corinne, our super villain, but we have two others I’d like to keep on the radar. Liz, the “I already boned Nick” girl, is right up there on Corinne’s tail for villain of the year. She won’t catch her, but Liz is a nice secondary villain that is going to shake that house up (evidenced by the season preview). She’s going to hold her Nick sex story to herself until one of the producers tells her it’s a good time to spill the beans, and then that house is going to turn into the Hunger Games, or an extension of the Pacific Ocean (because tears). Liz should not have gotten a rose because she rejected Nick post sex originally, but drama gotta come from somewhere.
The other potential villain to keep an eye on is Jasmine G, our NBA dancer. She shoots her shot immediately out of the limo by bringing the Bachelor ring dude out and telling Nick which ring she wants. Bold. The season preview shows her trying to get super PDA on Nick in front of the other girls. Don’t think she’s making friends with that one.
Highlights of the Week
Dolphin Girl: Naturally, after all the dolphin talk in the intro profiles, the show had to have some sort of dolphin occurrence in the premiere. And they delivered. Alexis, the “aspiring dolphin trainer”, shows up in a shark costume (lots of debate over it, mainly her against anyone with a brain), says she’s a dolphin and then just got as drunk as your weird uncle on Christmas Eve. Hated her at first, the more she totally did not give a shit what the others thought about her the more I bought into her. Need Alexis to only wear that from now on. Important note: Corinne gets very interested in Alexis solely because she doesn’t know what her body looks like. Corinne is such a good, sex hungry villain it hurts.
Nick Viall Comeback Tour: How many times did we need to be reminded that some people were not happy about Nick being the Bachelor? How much self deprecation we gotta make him do? HOW MANY INSULTS DOES HE HAVE TO TAKE FROM FORMER BACHELOR/RESIDENT FARMER TURD CHRIS SOULES BEFORE WE CAN JUST MOVE ON AND ENJOY NICK AND GIVE HIM A PASS FOR TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIS SITUATION LIKE ANYONE ELSE WOULD DO?
Josephine: Josephine is weird as shit. Her introduction video section is basically a slideshow of her having no friends. There she is being a cat lady, there she is wearing a nurse outfit that looks eerily similar to a sexy nurse costume you would get at Party City, there she is talking to seals, and there she is out of the limo trying to eat an uncooked hot dog Lady and the Tramp style with Nick. My notes verbatim are: “Josephine – nursing student, cat lady, dear god, talking to seals, batshit crazy, hot dog(?????)”.
Syrup Fingers: Danielle M gifting homemade syrup to Nick and then feeding it to him from her finger is genius. Except she totally whiffed on the sexual implications of it all and moved on without capitalizing on the fact that Nick was on a one way ticket to bonertown.
Top Limo Greetings: Every season 30 new contestants have to figure out how to make a quick impression on the Bachelor other than being hot. Every season there are 30 new cringeworthy things happening. These three are the decent ones I enjoyed: Sarah running from around the corner as a tongue in cheek way of saying she is also a “runner up” (precious, gonna be pissed when Nick votes her off); Hailey, who freaks the fuck out during the rose ceremony reaction segments because the dolphin girl is going to get a rose before her, opens up with a little sexual innuendo that gets the blood flowing – “What does a girl with no underwear say?” I don’t know “Either would I” – smooth; Lacey rides a goddamn camel in and implies Nick likes to hump.
Random Thoughts of the Week
How do the girls decide who gets out of the limo first? I originally thought they all got their own limo, but this episode implies that groups of them ride together and then get out one by one. As someone who has taken a psychology class (I’m kind of a big deal and also super smart obviously) I know that you remember the beginning and end of a sequence best and therefore Nick is going to remember the girls coming out first and finishing up best. Seems there would be some fighting over who gets out first.
Speaking of remembering them, how in god’s name does he remember all those names? That is 30 names to get down in a few hours I would imagine. I am really good with names but I don’t think that’s humanly possible. They have to be writing little hints on his hand or something.
How Many Chicks Will Nick Have Sex With?
Over/under is set at 2.5, so I’m taking the over big time. Nick fucks.
First Crier of the Season Award
Jasmine G pulls out the first cry of the season after struggling to talk to Nick because he is literally trying to talk to 30 different people in like two hours.
The rest of the house finding out that Liz and Nick have done the dirty.
Jaimi, the “I have balls”/bull nose ring girl, being bisexual.
Corinne swooping into Nick’s hotel room with her platinum vagine and trying to get her freak on.
RIP’s of the Week
Jasmine B – Not good when I have zero notes next to your name.
Susannah – Don’t massage a dude’s beard for your first impression.
Briana – The worst laugh imaginable for her first impression.
Olivia – Wearer of a fur coat made of seven wolves.
Ida Marie – Trust falling right out of the competition.
Lauren – Great first impression, deserved a rose, and should now marry me.
Angela – Might be the one signifier that Nick is not 100% focused on sex this season, because she was *extreme Borat voice* VERY NICE.
Michelle – Didn’t even have enough screen time for me to write her name down in my notes 🙁