This article will serve as my formal application to become the UFC’s new match maker. If you’re reading this Dana White, you’re match makers suck balls at their job and you new need some fresh blood.. let’s see what I’ve got.


Anthony Johnson, #1, 205 lbs vs Francis Ngannou, #5, 265 lbs:

This one is pretty simple.. if Johnson loses to Cormier next weekend I think there’s a real chance he makes the move back to the wide open heavyweight division where a young assassin in Ngannou will be waiting. Both men are physical specimens and happen to be two of the hardest hitting men in the whole sport, and neither of them likes to waste time putting their opponents to sleep.


Amanda Nunes, Champion, 135 lbs vs Joanna Jedrzejczyk, Champion, 115 lbs:

Oh my good this fights gives me butterflies. The two best female strikers in the world, battling to become a two division champion. JJ has endurance for days and has some of the fastest hands in MMA. Nunes goes in there with the intentions of merking you inside the first round.. god I need this in my life.


Urijah Faber, (Retired) vs TJ Dillashaw, #2, 135 lbs:


Well, you guys already dropped the ball on this one (Faber retired a few months back). But the buildup would’ve been unreal, long story short: Faber recruited TJ out of High School, coached up his whole career to the point where TJ was a world champion. TJ then essentially told Faber to go fuck himself as he ran off into the sunset with a new coach.. now they don’t like each other very much.


Jon Jones, (Suspended), (205 lbs champion) vs Luke Rockhold, #2, 185 lbs:


Rockhold said he wanted to move to heavyweight to fight Fabricio Werdum because of how shitty your matchmaking is.. but you guys fucked up again and just booked Werdum vs Overeem. Well don’t worry I solve your problems once again.. Jones is the most talented fighter of all-time but is a major fuck up and is slowly trying to ruin his career. Rockhold said he wants the big time fights, so I’m sure he’d love the chance to have a title eliminator vs Jones once Jones is back form suspension. This would also inject a little life into your shit hole of a 205 division.


Edson Barboza, #5, 155 lbs vs Jose Aldo, Champion (kind of), 145 lbs:


Aldo is to lose or not show up against Max Holloway, and then he’ll go on and on about a rematch with McGregor. Well I say we get him up to 155 for a match up between a couple of the best muay thai fighters in the game. This fight makes me feel like a little boy on Christmas, just an absolute treat for everyone involved.. well, except for Barboza and Aldo, they’re just gonna kick the living fuck out of each others legs.. that’s no fun for them.


Tyron Woodley, Champion, 170 lbs vs George St. Pierre, (Coming out of retirement), Former 170 lbs Champion:


Wow GSP is making a comeback! The greatest 170 pounder of all time! Let’s have him fight for the 185 belt! Wait… What? Come on guys, I know a 4th grader that doesn’t know his left from his right and he coulda come up with this one. The former 170 lbs champ vs the current 170 lbs champ. Easy peasy.. let’s move on.


Gunnar Nelson, #9, 170 lbs vs Nate Diaz, #8, 155 lbs:


Keep reading…


Conor McGregor, Champion, 145/155 lbs vs Nick Diaz, (Coming off suspension):


We’ve seen Conor vs Nate twice, and we all know Conor is the better fighter, we don’t need a trilogy. Let’s throw Conor in there against the big brother and then have Conor’s best training partner go at it with Nate. Put the card in either Stockton or Ireland and holy lanta you’ve got the most hyped up card in UFC history. Conor has another buddy named Artem Lobov that’s 2-0 in the UFC, square him up with Gilbert Melendez and we’ve got us a full fledged training camp battle. I think somebody dies during the build up… Love it.